Kashmir's Shak

The Sticking Place

Success and failure are two words that carry a ton of baggage. What purpose do they serve?

When I judge myself, even a day of my little life, it can be a highly subjective and often emotionally ridden process.

My judgement can be impaired by any number of little things. The amount of sleep I had the night before, the way people have dealt with me up to that point in the day, how far behind i am in my work load, how much time I have to actually think, where i am sitting, who I am with. All of these affect my judgement.

How do I know this? It is my business. I spend much of my life gathering people into open spaces where they pour out their individual and collective sense of success and failure. As the facilitator of such events, I can make or break the process of inquiry and reflection simply by the way I set the process up.

If my assessment of success or failure is subject to such variances, why do I (and so many of my brethren) hang onto it so obsessively? Why are are constantly rattling between success and failure?

Defining our lives, our relationships and every aspect of our existence in relation to this false god, this fool hardy continuum, constantly being slapped between good and bad, right and wrong, happy and sad, stupid and clever, success and failure. This duality saps the  very life out of us but we hang onto it for fear of the chaos that will ensure if we let go.

If I measure success by the dollars, property or titles I accumulate, then what happens when I die? I lose it all, does that make me a failure at that point because the minute my final breath expires, I no longer possess all these earthly things?

If I amass a fortune to help the next generation, what happens if this in turn makes them lazy and unable to treasure or make good use of a fortune that they have not earned (and has no meaning for them)?

If I measure success by the love I give and recieve in this life, again, what happens when I die? The ones who loved me will be the ones that suffer the most? The length of their anguish will be in direct proportion to the depth of the love we shared whilst I was alive.

Perhaps there is another scale that we could use to move our life forward and instead of success or failure. Perhaps we need to think in terms of contribution.

If success and failure is the one and same thing, just like taking an in and out breath, then we can learn to let go of our obsession and begin to respect this cycle as interdependant.

Fear of failure can paralyze us from taking any action. It often comes from being too obsessed with success. Failure allows us to sense and see our boundaries, it gives us the option of accepting to pushing these boundaries. Failure enlightens us and is as important as success which enlivens us.

One hand washes the other.

"We fail, but screw your courage
to the sticking-place, and we’ll not fail". 
Macbeth (Act I, Scene VII)

A Good Voyage of Nothing

"Who knew of your intent and coming hither?"
Measure for Measure (Act V, Scene I)

It is an act of courage to journey beyond our comfort zone. We can do it sitting in a room alone or in a conversation, we do not need to take to the oceans and mountains to stretch ourselves, we can do it through any interaction at any time of day or night.

First we have to step out of the noise and clutter of everyday intent. The intention that others impose upon us, be it the man who just called on my phone to sell me investment advice or the logo on the top of this screen informing me that NEC or IBM matter.

Intent is important, but arriving at these moments of truth is the challenge. If our focus and context is too loose, we can get lost, if it is too tight we can jump to conclusions too quickly and not get very far (be busy trying to get somewhere, but simply stretch the elastic band for it only to return to its original position).

The best remedy i have found is to relax. Not take myself too seriously or the predicament or challenge I am facing.

Entering into any relationship or problem with a prejudice only poisons it. Entering with an open heart and mind leaves me vulnerable of getting lost, but if i trust myself fully, then I can go out on a limb, afford to get lost and know that the sheppard of common sense will pull me back into the fold if I go too far astray.

The challenge of letting go of ones intent in a world that is constantly driving to some form of solution or conclusion and everyone seems to be selling us something (even this blog), the challenge is that abandoning control increases the anxiety and fear, which in turn increases the grip on reality, which in turn poisons the very thing we are tearing at.

The more we think about these things the more the mind imposes an intent. The challenge is to quiet the mind and allow our intuition to surface.

The key is to stop taking ourselves so seriously , to trust each other and in our inner wisdom. We may get lost, there will be anxiety all around us, but equally we may just find landscapes and horizons beyond the circumference of our tiny minds.

"Now, the melancholy god protect thee,
and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta,
for thy mind is a very opal!
I would have men of such constancy put to sea,
that their business might be everything and
their intent everywhere; for that’s it
that always makes a good voyage of nothing."
Twelfth-Night (Act II, Scene IV)

Appraise Me

Spent the day (literally) in Toronto's China-Town with my daughters. We turned it into a game of haggling. I challenged two of them (aged 15 and 17) to negotiate with street vendors on Spadina.

I gave them three basic tips on how to cut a deal on the streets:

First is to be desire-less, the slightest sense that you need the product and you are dead meat. They will carve out your heart out of its socket and hand it back to you,with loose change and a smile.

They are going to 'appraise you' from the second you walk up to them. If you know you want it and there is no other source and you can't combine the purchase with other things or on a quantity discount, then have a go, but don't hold out too much hope. You have to remember, that this is not personal, it's business. You are not competing with vendor, as an intelligent customer, you are getting them to compete with their competitors - to see who is worthy of your money. This attitude is the foundation.

Second is to know what you are willing to pay, not even what the thing is worth, but what you consider to be a 'deal' or 'bargain' and at what level are you prepared to walk away. Then lower your call so that they are forced to come half way, to that target price. For example, the sunglasses are up for 10$, you are willing to pay $8, tell them (and they will ask you how much you want to pay, to read you and initiate the haggle process), $6, at which they will scream at you and your response to their outburst will define what you are.

Haggling is a game, probably one of the oldest in human history. Part of it is to win dollars but mostly it is a battle of wits. If you do not know what your going rate is, don't initiate the game, give them what they ask with a small - face saving - % off the asking price. If you know what you are willing to pay, you are free to focus on your worthy adversary, you are ready to negotiate.

Third turn up the volume and be prepared to deal with their volume control. That is all it is, shouting is not anger or hatred, it is part of the dance, you shout, they shout back, then you shout some more, but it is NEVER PERSONAL always BUSINESS. Just like a pro boxer, the beating you are lashing out and taking is merely a jousting contest and at the end, you will buy what you need and they will make their living. Both leaving with the satisfaction of the exchange.

The wit and wisdom of discovering (find out) each others motives and thinking is where this game takes place. The outward behaviours and outcomes are incidental. This is what going 'shopping' is all about. Money was smart. Smarts came from the street. Today those street smarts of understanding and engaging other human beings is an atrophied muscle. We are poorer for it.

The term "shop" derives from the Old French "eschoppe" which meant a 'building without walls' and it later evolved to the Germanic "schoolroom equipped for teaching vocational arts". We lost something precious when we went to 'stores' which are containers with clear boundaries and rules for the exchange. To cut a deal, you had to to deal WITH people.

Once the promenade where people would walk, work, talk and trade got covered and encased into a safety of the 'mall' - shops became stores where you 'picked up stuff' and the games were replaced by shoplifting and so many mechanical exchanges, sugar coated with the expectation that sell are meant to be nice to you, serve you, we went from 'appraising you' to 'praising you' - segmenting you into pre-packaged markets, to meet your customer needs and keeping you happy (enter the era of "customer service").

I did some role plays, demonstrated these three rules in action. The girls enjoyed the revelries, but did not see the sense of it, why shout and haggle over a couple of dollars. Most of the things you find the street are between $1 - $20, so how much are you going to save for all this hassle anyway?

Then I got them to do it, and one of them really got the bug. She wanted three tank tops. The tank tops were $4 each, the vendor said "That's $12+ tax", she pushed back, saying "I only have ten" with in a stern tone - the vendor shook his head, then she pushed back and said "OK $11+tax" in a dismissive tone. She raised the volume "I ONLY HAVE TEN!" - the vendor said, OK forget the tax, ELEVEN in a voice louder than hers, "But I only have TEN, don't you understand - ten" she shook the ten dollars in front of his face - (this was not planned, she is a natural!) the vendor smiled and said "OK, GO! TEN" - the tank tops will rot at the bottom of a busy draw till they find themselves being tipped into a big black bag that will head for Goodwill, but the thrill of the deal she cut today, will not be lost. She got the bug and was energized all the way home. What drug fix could do that for two lousy dollars?

Growing up in North Amercia and Western Europe conceals us from the divine rituals that have existed for thousands of years, these ceremonies continue in many rural cultures throughout the world, but they are dying out fast in the wake of a more 'intelligent' global pricing culture.

My daughter asked me "why is all this stuff on the road, people can just walk away with it" - I tried to explain to here that peoole did not steal, because this was their neigbourhood, only outsiders steal, the locals have ongoing relationships with the traders. She understood the words coming out of my mouth, but could not construct any sense - because the mall is not part of the neigbourhood, the people who work in those stores WORK there and rush desperatly at closing time to get as fast and as far from those 'stores' as they possibly can. The smiles are only there because they have sold themselves (their time) to provide them.

Trading has been the way of mankind way before the industrial revolution automated everything into economic value and fixed pricing. Nothing in life is fixed or permanent. It is all a game. That is what life on the street is all about. inter-action between human beings.

Our comfortable retreat into the 'modern world' does not require us to know, connect with or deal with  others at an emotional level. In our business and personal lives we are meant to avoid conflict and ''be happy' - We are so much the poorer for it.

"O! Sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be inventoried, and every particle and utensil labelled to my will: as Item, Two lips, indifferent red; Item, Two grey eyes, with lids to them; Item, One neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me?"

Twelfth-Night (Act I, Scene v)

Forgotten

The search for happiness is stupid. We cannot acquire something we already possess.

Happiness is not a condition that can be manufactured or controlled. It is the accidental outcome of a unpredictable conditions.

These conditions are the everyday events such as how who we meet, their moods and our fears, doubts, trust, desires, our senses, how much sleep and water is inside us, how much space we inhabit around us. Our locus of focus (not locus of control) dictates the space in which happiness can emerge and (temporarily) reside.

Happiness is not something we can possess, it is the side effect or outcome of things that matter to us. Happiness is the reflection of our desires and self image. It is out there, even if it feels as if it is deep in here. The reason we feel it is inside us is because it is running through us like a runaway train.

Think about the term itself and where it comes from. "Hap" - in the ancient Greek was about something that 'just happens' or 'haphazard' - it rooted in the sense of being lucky and the ancient Welsh, to being "wisely fortunate".

Happiness is indidental, accidental, it is as real as the steam that topples out of an old train leaving its temporary mark in the very air that pushes past.

Happiness is a intense human response to the environment. We cannot elicit a this response with the mechanical toolbox of our intellect. That is why the harder we think about happiness the more it eludes our grasp. Grappling with it misses the point, evades the space in which it can breath.

Sure there are plenty of short cuts to faking happiness - we can maintain this illusion, for quite a while. Entire industries that have spawned to fulfill this delusion, some would even suggest the economy is becoming increasingly dependent on the ignorant leading the blind.

We can use needles and nostrils, drink obsessively, we can abuse others (women, children, the poverty stricken, unread, the infirm, scared and scattered), we can immerse ourseleves in porn, submit at the altar of celebrity media, put our neck under the heel of a cult, lay our life down at the behest of a religious zealot, we could splurge on a spending spree in malls full of false happiness in pretty little red boxes, we can make pimps and movie producers rich with our ignorant indolence, recite rap/pop songs as if they were scripture/prayer, pour our identity and life into the bland some of a commercial brand as if our life mattered so much. These are all short cuts to an elusive expression of human content that push us away from the very thing we are searching for.

Losing ones sense of self is not difficult. Prostituting our identity by gasping for instant gratification turns us into liars not happy people.

I do not believe in positive affirmations. Repeating things verbally is a form of greed, grasping, lust be it physical or intellectual only suffocates us in it's possessiveness. Attempting to talk our way into chance or happiness is a selfish delusion, but if we sit back and allow our life to work on us, we may discover deeper truths that we have taken for granted. This is the essence of meditation or prayer.

Happiness is not about us, it is about what occurs between us and our world. Contemplation, reflection, openess, acceptance is cool.  When we do this, happiness wakes up all around us.

Happiness is our fate, but we cannot build an entitlement to it, we cannot control  it, we can recognize it when it arrives, clinging to it, needing it - makes us un-real, it makes us un-happy

Thou art not noble:   
For all th’ accommodations that thou bear’st
Are nurs’d by baseness. Thou art by no means valiant;   
For thou dost fear the soft and tender fork   
Of a poor worm. Thy best of rest is sleep,   
And that thou oft provok’st; yet grossly fear’st
Thy death, which is no more. Thou art not thyself;   
For thou exist’st on many a thousand grains   
That issue out of dust. Happy thou art not;   
For what thou hast not, still thou striv’st to get,
And what thou hast, forget’st. Thou art not certain;   
For thy complexion shifts to strange effects,   
After the moon. If thou art rich, thou’rt poor;   
For, like an ass whose back with ingots bows,
Thou bear’st thy heavy riches but a journey,   
And death unloads thee.

Measure for Measure (Act III, Scene i)

Little Thief of Occasion

Why, ’tis no great matter; for a very
little thief of occasion will rob you
of a great deal of patience:
give your dispositions the reins,
and be angry at your pleasures;
at the least, if you take it as a
pleasure to you in being so. 
You talk of pride: O! that you could turn
your eyes towards the napes of your necks,
and make but an interior survey
of your good selves.
O! that you could.

Coriolanus (Act II, Scene i)

Today was a do nothing day. Not because it is Canada Day. Not for any reason at all. That's the point. If there would be a reason, it would not be a 'do nothing'!

I was taught a long time ago that if poisoning mother earth or sucumbing to an unknown microbe will not get us, then the needless stress and conflicts we get embroiled in, will.

There are two types of conflict and stress, emotional and creative. Creative tension occurs in our moments of truth. Emotional stress occurs when we are idling, our mind engine is turning, but we are sitting at the cross roads and then we are rushing and then we are idling and waiting for the next rush. This turmoil we call 'being busy" is the silent killer. The hurry up and wait syndrome occupies us and we find ways to fill the quiet time with noise, we enter-tainment, we fill the gaps so we do not need to think. The pressure mounts from the inside out.

One way to deal with and eradicate emotional stress is to DO SOMETHING, to gently move towards the very thing we fear or regret. It does not require major surgery, simply one step. Whether it is work, a relationship or simply a chore we are avoiding, to break the inertia. When we take a step the toxins are released, our demons are purged and we find that the thinking on the event was more stressful than the actual dealing with it.

The other way to deal with emotional stress is to DO NOTHING. Doing nothing is not the same as avoidance. Surrending means letting go not being buried in the case of the stress. Surrender involves letting go, trusting the universe is on our side, that holding on is part of the problem and that if we let go, energies and powers that we cannot grasp will come to our aid. This is why prayer, meditation, reflection, relaxation, vacation, playing games, enjoying children, being in the compnay of loved ones and sleep (true deep abandoment not the pit stop power nap) are our natural medication for stress.

In the words of the movie "What About Bob" - we need to "take a vacation from our problems" and give ourself permission to be free of judgement at least for a little while. Sometimes it is an hour or a day or a week, if we are really consumed with our self, a month or two may not be out of the question.

Today was a 'do nothing day' - I gave myself the present of an emotional stress vacation day.

This is my gift to myself. No one else can give it to me. This is my freedom, the only freedom I can say is mine. I create it at will.

Today, I let go, floated above it all. I did not worry about anything. The phone range a few times and I let my family work their magic on me.

Tomorrow, I mayl don the mask of busy-ness again, assume the role of father, brother, son, employer, friend, neighbour, stranger... and get on with the show. But, today - I was free to fly, free to be me, for a day.

I’ the commonwealth I would by contraries
Execute all things; for no kind of traffic   
Would I admit; no name of magistrate;   
Letters should not be known; riches, poverty,   
And use of service, none; contract, succession,
Bourn, bound of land, tilth, vineyard, none;   
No use of metal, corn, or wine, or oil;   
No occupation; all men idle, all;   
And women too, but innocent and pure;
No sovereignty... All things in common nature should produce
Without sweat or endeavour: treason, felony,   
Sword, pike, knife, gun, or need of any engine,   
Would I not have; but nature should bring forth,   
Of its own kind, all foison, all abundance,
To feed my innocent people.
The Tempest (Act II, Scene i)